I'm learning to embrace my truth....

This is a weird exsistence for me and one I have never embraced. As I age I become more gifted. Some people don't believe in this stuff but at the same time how do you explain it away? Sometime I see things I don't want to see, I see people doing things I don't want to know. Is it me willing something to happen? Coincidence? I ask questions and view things from a different perspective then most. My friend calls it negative-positive. I have learned to phrase things and ask questions a certain way. I always felt people misunderstood me in some sort of way. They would take what Is aid as an insult or that I'm being a know it all. So I've learned that when I have a vision for someone I care about I might ask a question to invoke a different thought process from that person. I do this so they that they can answer their own question or see things as I see them but in thru their own eyes. I can honestly say most times over the years I've ignored every vision for myself and for some people that I know... but mostly for my self. I kept running or I put myself in a fog so I can sleep at night and so I can rest my mind. When I rest it becomes much more intense...

these are my thoughts and this isn't about my writing it's about what I am thinking at the moment....

I will miss you......

I am really sad summer is almost over. I absolutely love summer and all that comes along with it be it the hot sticky weather, the smell after the rainfall, outdoor seating at restaurants, people watching, beaches, bbq's, afterwork drinks, green trees and the smell of fresh cut grass, driving with the sunroof open. There are so many joys of summer I could go on and on. People seem so much nicer and more pleasant during the warmer months as opposed to chilly colder weather.

I've had fun in July which is the best part of summer for me. August just blows for some reason it passes so quickly and it's a reminder that fall is near that the new school year is quickly approaching, that the trains will be crowded and people will become winter grouches with layers and layers of winter clothing. Prepared and ready for the snow, sleet and cold rain.

I must admit while I am whining a bit I am looking forward to change as each years passes

He will provide.....

I haven't been writing as much as I would like to lately. I haven't had anything to say really. I have basically tried to become insignificant while I press forward toward my goals.

The best thing that has happened lately is my daughter graduating and moving forward to high school. I'm not suprised by her graduting she is a bright intelligent young lady. My family and I are proud of her of course and she's proud of herself which is more important to me then anything. I always tell her if you are going to do something let it be something you will be proud of no matter what you first everyone else second. Her morals and values have been set she is going to go out to high school and become a leader or follower. I can't control which road she takes all I can do is suggest and be forthcoming about any situations she may encounter. This is the time in her life where she will have to learn to think, analyze and make her own choices. It's her time to grow up mentally. It's time for her to learn to be responsible across the board for all of her actions or lack there of. I'm positive she will do fine with a few bumps. I look forward to the challenge god will provide anything I or she will need!

Who Are You To Judge Me?

Why do people ask the question"what are you up to?" "What do you do for a living?" The next thing in their mind is judgement. People immediately size you up based on what you do for a living or what you have in life. It's your life and you can do with it what you please. We all wish for the so called American Dream.

But somehow if you aren't chasing that dream with the rest of them you are judged, put in a lump hole as lazy or average. You aren't a criminal but you living an average life taking care of you family on a daily somehow is deemed as progressive. When I nreality just to have a kid that isn't in any trouble is progression enough. I'm all for people doing what they love, living the dream and going after your passion, but don't question me because I'm not running the cycle with you. We all don't have to be busy doing this and that to be happy. I love coming home and relaxing in my apartment with my daughter. I love conversing with her and being home making sure she is alright. Does me caring about my daughter make me lazy because I'm not involved in in what you "think" I should be doing?

Beccause I don't tell every facet of my life I let people make their own assumptions. I could care less because I don't need validation from anyone. I don't like answering questions nor do I like updating anyone on my interests. All lovely for conversation but unless you are a best friend then you don't need to know... That's me and how I feel...call it what you want but I don't need to pat myself on the back for my accomplishments for anyone. I shine everytime I see my daughter and every time she accomplishs something. I know that I am behind that greatness. Why can't I be as proud as the next person.

Motherhood is so greatly unappreciated and underrated....

FOOLISHNESS.. isn't omitting info a form of lying?

This has to be classic, and I'm sure I am not the only woman to have experienced this type of "inconsideration". I ran into someone I met awhile back. He is the cousin of a friend. He asked me for my number and suggested I call him. I didn't call of course, but he called me months later and we chatted up small talk for a few minutes.

He had asked me out for drinks a few times and I had no time, as a matter of fact I was with the other idiot at the time. I don't understand what cycle of foolishness I was being tested against but I'm glad it's over. It's over because I say it's over point blank.

Anyway, getting back to the latest foolishness one day he called me and I had nothing to do so I agreed to meet for drinks. We had small talk and I felt a small attraction however, I felt something wasn't right, that something was amiss. I decided to go with my gut on this one as not to make the another relationship mistake in less then one months time with a guy that is being selfish.

Well selfishness strikes again! This guy is "legally separated but lives with his wife because he lost his job months ago". I mean that's fine if you felt you had no other options and you two own a house together. I met up with him about a month ago and this is one month later and I am just finding out this new information because according to him " he was waiting for the right moment". Which moment was that, after I got emotionally inolved or after we had sex? Thank goodness I wasn't intimate with him, because he seems to think he didn't lie. I mean isn't omitting information at the right time also lying? If it wasn't lying it certainly was selfish and inconsiderate. He has no chance with me what so ever and there is nothing he can say to change my mind.

We had several conversations about various things including my failed marriage and the reasons. These conversations happened in the beginning, when I asked him if he was in a relationship and why he has been celibate for a year. Aren't those good opportunities to tell the truth or to fill in the blanks?

I am absolutely sick of the foolishness. I am over and done with men with emotional issues, or any other issues. Whatever relationship cloud that was over my head is removed! lol.. I mean thank goodness I am good at rebounding from any situation. I mean in light of the things I've been thru in my life someone could have gotten hurt. lol... I could have been crazy! I see why black women give black men a hard time because black men are greedy con artists! lol. I know not all but the bad ones make it hard for the good black men. I am a good woman that could have easily been turned into a bad woman but I know I have to take a few licks in order to rise.

I am rising like fresh baked biscuits on a Sunday morning.

this is the last lick for relationships...lol.

Onward!

42 Mile 5-Boro Bike Tour

I registered for the ride during early registration. I always make a small attempt to recruit other riders women mostly but it never works, I get an all out "NO". I have recruited a few brave men in the past and we have braved this so called "tour" of the five boros.

It really is an adventure and it really is for the brave. There were a few steep inclines and and you will feel the burn. You do have to pump yourself up it truly is not for the weak minded. It is for the adventurous and the person that can be their own cheering squad. If you have a group of riders then that is even better because somewhere along the ride even the strong will get weary.

This has to be added to my list of accomplishments having regained my bragging rights. When I drive down certain highways, rode ways and over bridges namely the Verrazano. I can always say I rode a bicycle over this bridge, I can smile to myself and feel the sensation all over again. Will I do this next year? I just may, because the satisfaction I felt yesterday was amazing.

My riding partner and I went and had a nice meal before we went home. Toward the end of the ride all I could think about was food. I don't eat steak yet I kept imaging a steak dinner..lol.. Anyway, we enjoyed and treated ourselves with a nice meal. I got home and took advantage of my time alone as my daughter was visiting a friend.

I took a nice hot bath, meditated and washed my hair. I prayed and gave thanks for all my blessings and I realized how my inner happiness is exuding outward. I took time out for me and blocked out the outside world. While riding not only did my riding partner and I have small short conversations but being alone with my thoughts I did some thinking and reflecting and I realized that no one can take away my thoughts. I am happy, rich, blessed, healed and wealthy. I have a good pure heart and I thank God for all the lessons and accomplishments.

UNDER THE RADAR

I used to be that person most would call to find out about stuff, no matter what, where or who I had the trival and important information. Plethora of useless and useful information.

I stopped wanting to be that person a long time ago. It became draining and it took away from the things I wanted and needed in my life. I focused less on self and more on others issues. I am officially under the radar now. I stopped calling people and of course when you stop calling them eventually they will stop calling you. I became selfish with my time and I no longer spend hours on end listening to someone tell me all about their issues and still do nothing to change.

I should have charged people for me having to listen to them, and for the calls asking if I know someone that.... I should be a millionaire had I put that talent to better use.

However, I have now become insignificant by choice. I don't listen to my voicemail so I don't return phone calls and those that know the deal know how to reach me. I am being quiet. I am making moves and changes.

To be continued......

EVERYTHING IS GOOD!

I'm at peace! I'm feeling good! Spring always brings this lioness out of her den, feeling refreshed and blessed and less stressed.

I feel love during this time of year the weather is beautiful and life is excellent! People are friendly, smiling and holding hands. Expressing love.

I love to get on the highway with my music blasting and drive! I hate traffic but I do love the stretch of the open highway. I will be on the highway more often this spring summer too..... I plan on spending some time in Jersey on the shore with a friend. I plan on driving to Philly to see my BFF for sure. I just can't wait to enjoy and have fun before the new school year begins for my daughter in Fall 08.

We completed our mission of dress shopping for eighth grade prom and graduation. We even purchased the shoes. So we are on the mark and the only last minute things we will do are the maintenance things that you have no choice but to wait until the day of or before.

In between all of the shopping my daughter celebrated her fourteenth birthday. No party no big hoorah, no bells and whistles this year. I think certain birthday's are just small milestones and until she turns 16 we won't be having a big bash. But the Sweet Sixteen I will make sure she does it up right. She is after all the one and only child and she is a good kid, no trouble excellent grades just typical kid stuff. That may all change later on but I'm a great Mom and I doubt we won't be able to work thru any difficulties should they arise.

Well, I will probably write again after I get settled into our new offices on Monday. Oh yes we are moving locations. Whatever, I'll adapt because I'm an adaptable human being.

I do have someone pursuing me right now. I am interested but I must admit that last weirdness has made me bitter. I'll get over it I'm sure but for right now I'm happy being single. I don't want to do anything but fouc on myself and my retiring @ age 44. What am I doing to accomplish this you may wonder. I am praying every day all day about being free of the enslavement of corporate america. I bet you are wondering "how is that going to work you need a plan". I have one it is called FAITH! Well I have other small ideas also, but lol.. we'll see what happens. I'll keep you posted over this journey of faith and prayer.

TGIF- Random

I can't wait to exit the building! I have sat here at the J.O.B. (just over broke) all day long and have done minimal work. Anyway, I'm thankful to have a job and getting the big bucks for it too! I'm thankful for my apartment and all the amenities that are in the apartment also.

I love living high in the sky. I can see the Empire State, Verrazano Bridge and some other eye catching spots from my balcony. Yup I live high in the pie in the sky....I stand out there sometime and say YES the world is my oyster. Living that high up you kind of get this feeling of empowerment that unless you are standing out there you just won't get that loving feeling..lol..

It's time for eighth grade prom and I am knee deep in dress hunting woes for my soon to be graduate! My daughter went from casual sneaker loving girl to slinky sex kitten wannabe over night! I had to put that mess in check by making her aware that she is not a high school grad and even then it isn't appropriate but that's what the girls wear. At this point I have control because she is just in 8th grade so there will be no sex kitten dress however there will be poof and lace. She will earn her leeway as she moves up in age and shows more responsibility.

This has been an interesting uneventful week. Interesting because I have met interesting people. I am openminded and I am even more open to people and their randomness. The week on a whole was uneventful for me, but I still shared in my nutta butta's excitement. She had her work publilshed via her local newspaper in Philadelphia both in hard copy and online. Shout out to nutta butta again. She said this is her year and so it has been proven thru her hard work and persistance. Do ya thing lady!! Do the damn thing!!

IT FEELS GOOD TO BE IN MY SKIN!

I say that because no matter what the situation, the bump, crossroads, or hot mess I happen into or upon. I still rise up! I rise and I come up bigger and better then before. I overcome adversity.

I was just briefly chatting it up with a close friend of mine. She asked me a "what if" question that I responded "no" to. Then she used herself as an example, I responded, oh yeah I would tell you. She asked if "it depends on who the friend is" I said "yes" but the fact of the matter is I would only tell her. I would not involve myself in anyone else’s stuff.

I only began hanging with females after dropping the whole female friendship thing when I separated from my ex. I had female "associates" and we hung out every now and again. But a regular that was my home girl type friend uh no not since I was eighteen.


When I turned thirty-two I gave the whole girl friendship another shot. I'll tell you honestly that nothing had changed over the years with women and it would appear that they were more catty then ever before. Right in your face would be a shiny toothy smile and two seconds later they are chatting it up to the first person that would listen about "how horrible I looked in an outfit". I can do without the facade of female bonding. I'm not saying there aren't any true friendships or bonding experiences between women. Absolutely there are, however few and far between those friendships come into your life if at all. I am now experiencing for the first time in my life a sincere female bonding experience. I am so loving and enjoying it.

I am enjoying my own company also. This particular close friend lives in another state. We communicate everyday. She knows everything about me things I didn't even have to think about not telling her. She knows too much if you ask me. But the relationship is equally yoked in that sense. We are comfortable with Q&A because it's really asking because we generally are concerned about one another's well being.

I feel good, I am at peace. I can look in the mirror with knowing and appreciate the genuine goodness that exudes from within my heart. I feel good in my skin. Life is good.

Shout out to nutta butta!

EXUDE HAPPINESS

I woke up this morning and tried to keep my promise to myself that I would begin my excercise routine. I dragged and slugged out of bed at the 6am hour. I woke up at 5:00 with the intent of getting an early start I instead rolled over and covered my head.

I'm not heavy or anything I love a toned body. Once proud of my toned body however lately I can't seem to commit. I did manage to get out of the bed at 6am instead. I set up for my pilates 20minute workout. I will increase my workout regiman as the days pass. I'm determined to conquer this laziness I've had for the last two years. I am preparing for the 5 boro bike-a-thon in 41 days. I have to work out the kinks in the old bones. I can and will make this ride and hopefully won't be in too much pain when it's all said and done.

I'm certain I will feel good about the accomplishment. I completed this ride over two years ago and each time I drive over the Verrazano Bridge I am in complete awe of myself. I have bragging rights also..I rode over this bridge on a bike which is not an easy task!! The bridge to the regular eye looks pretty level when in fact from the onset it's all incline until you get midpoint and then all down hill after that... but the incline is tough.

Anyway, upon finishing my 20min pilates routine I felt good and I wanted to look good as well. I applied a little make-up to my face and added some smell good to the body. I don't normally wear make-up but I guess it doesn't hurt either sometime. People actually noticed and said you look different and asked "did you do something to your hair"? lol... I just responded "thank-you" and "no". No need for detail I accepted the compliment.

I took a look in the ladies room mirror and I will say I exude happiness. It isn't the make-up I just look fresh and happy. I am wonderfully happy and growing in my journey. No more worries about anything.

I have my vision and it will happen how it happens and all the stuff in between isn't for me to worry about. I will be and feel happy all through the good and rough times. I'm retiring in a year and half. It's already being set-up because I'm ready to receive..

No stopping my happy! I exude it because it is within me to be happy. What is within will show outwardly. Always exude happiness even if you have to fake it. You may begin to actually feel it even in your worst moment. Happiness is contagious to those who want a little piece. But, for those who see the glass half empty thinking happy without proof is a task.

FRIDAY FREESTYLE

Life has a funny way of testing your strengths and weaknesses. Are we just made up of all the things life puts us through? Are we defined by our careers, our successes and failures? IS there a reward, a light at the end of the tunnel?

I have had a few things and people test my limits lately. I'm still persevering, I'm still strong and I'm still me.

I became frustrated and relieved in a matter of 2.2 secs in one day this week. The next day there was something else and again and again this week. I remained calm and prayerful throughout my frustrations. I wouldn't be taken to any other level. I tried to see the good (which isn't unusual in my thinking process)and stay positive if nothing else.

I fell asleep each night and awoke the next morning knowing that that day would be a better one then yesterday. I'm still happy and I'm still above ground. Any day above ground is a happy day.

I've made to Friday and things got better. I kept my communication lines open. I remained calm and at the end of this week all pieces came together thru faith and perseverance.

I wouldn't have had any other way. I'm used to being tested and I'm used of overcoming as well. I stopped saying long ago why me, when is it going to end? I learned why not me and it will end if I remain grounded and positive. Some situations are harder then others. It's equally as hard to not want to bitch slap some people that test and push you to edge.

I learned that my inner strength and balance is what unequivocally keeps me on top. I learned that it is okay to pat myself on the back, it's okay to exude my strength without pause and it's equally okay to be a little conceited. I've earned my conceit and bragging rights. I'm grown and a woman of a certain age. I've taken my licks of life. I haven't anything or anyone to be or feel competetive of at any time during my years. I allowed that spirit in my circle at one time. They fight to get back in, they wonder and assume why I could give less then a damn. I no longer am your people pleaser, your ear or sounding board. I have a circle that is now a diamond. A diamond with jewels wrapped around it in love and in spirit.

Friday love! Easter Blessings!

THE UNEXPECTED

Life has this uncanny way of throwing out curves or cliffs, hills and/or valleys if you will.

Life is good, things are smooth and then you encounter the unexpected. The unexpected could be pleasureable or bad. I'm not implying just because soemthing is unexpected that it is necessarily a bad thing.

How you respond to the unexpected is letting the universe know the course of action you may take, what you desire the end result to be in other words. Our inner workings. Your first thought is what you really desire to happen or feel. Our analytical side may take over and design a course of action to move toward our end result or the result that is desired or required.

When we over analyze sometime we create negativity or you may begin to doubt yourself. Discernment is key in life. We all should have learned at some point in our lives the mental ability to understand and the insight of good judgement. this happens as we mature and experience life. We grow and we hopefully make better choices and decisions. I said hopefully because some people never learn or are slow in their learning process! We each know someone or two that are stuck in the mud.

If you stay prepared then you will never have to get prepared for the unexpected. Quick thinking and a decisive course of action will keep things moving. You won't and haven't mentally made time to lose focus on your desired result. Planning is everything which is different then discernment of course. Planning goals and dreams are a wonderful necessity. If you should have to alter or redirect then you are prepared to make the necessary decision without getting off course of the goal or dream. Thus, you are always in preparation of the unexpected.

Things happen or shyt happens as they say. Are you prepared for that rainy day? Are you prepared for the cliffs, hills and or valleys. Are you prepared for the unforseen?

If you win lotto or come into a large sum of money is there a plan in place or a first course of action that will be taken? I know for a fact I will not want my picture in the paper. My top five will be the only people that will know my whereabouts. So if you are in the top five assume you will know where I am if not a pre-recorded message will be the only voice you hear.

We can't all be prepared for everything but we can learn how to respond better or we can not respond and let the universe take care of "what will be will be".

In the words of Snoop Dogg! Chuch!

un·ex·pect·ed Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[uhn-ik-spek-tid] –adjective not expected; unforeseen; surprising: an unexpected pleasure; an unexpected development.

Gratitude

I've had some revelations recently about a few things, people and places. I'm forever learning and growing. I'm just so grateful and thankful that I learn my lessons and learn from them.

I may not always respond accordingly but I am aware of the lesson in the experience. I may not agree with the lesson or the emotions that may be exposed but I am still grateful for the lesson.

I am happy. My life is happy and I'm making conscious decisions while here at the crossroads... I will go down my path and that path will lead me forward into my destiny. I see the vision and I accept all the good that will come. I am ready and I couldn't ever be more ready then I am at this point in my life.

I am grateful for the weird, interesting, baffling people places and things. I accept and I am grateful for the good, the great and the excellent people places and things.

There is a whole life out here to be grateful about.

Things are bad only if you see them that way!

grat·i·tude Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[grat-i-tood, -tyood]

–noun the quality or feeling of being grateful or thankful: He expressed his gratitude to everyone on the staff.

When you just don't get it

Some people just don't get it. Selfish and self-absorbed. I think it's because you pretend to like me but you really don't. I know a hater that poses as a helper.

I have no idea why this person continues to call me. I don't call and I haven't initiated a call for weeks or months even.

I know they call because they miss my friendship. However, after you've abused my goodness and kind-heartedness so many times and still I had continued to associate with you. I can see how you might get things twisted and confused. So there is no more confusion let's be clear now as to where we stand.

How could you possibly think I give a damn? I don't care what you are up to, I don't care who you are with and I certainly don't care about any of your unimportant friends. I call associates once in a blue when I have the "oh" moment. Oh I wonder how they are doing, I might call. If I get around to it then I get around to it, if I don't get around to making that call then "oh well". lol

I help and care about people because it's my nature, I didn't have to be taught to be considerate or kind. Those things you can't get in a book they are innate behaviors. No one had to teach me "the secret". I know the secret and have known it since I was born to this earth in the flesh.

I've always had the unique ability to will things by putting them in the hands of my higher power. I don't worry about what someone has done to me, breaking up with someone or revenge on another individual. If I release you and put it in my higher powers hands I have no doubt all will be taken care of thru him.

I'm just throwing out random thoughts because someone called me this past weekend. I have repeatedly asked this person to not talk to me about someone and what this person is up to in their life. They continue to ask me about ex-boyfriends and ex-friends. They are exes' because we broke up , we don't talk.

So why do you continue the need to ask or talk about them? Are you trying to keep me in the past? I don't care. I guess when you have nothing to say you pull whatever you can to create conversation.

I have no interest in you, what you are doing or your "friends" at all at this time. I have released you. You are not considered a friend of mine but an associate. Please proceed accordingly. I can help you play your position in the manner more befitting of my associate standards. It seems as though you need help playing your position.

You are officially released. You and your silent jealous competitive ways and all that comes along with having known you over the years. I'm done and I now understand that I don't need you nor will I miss you. You proved to be a thorn in my side.

I am very comfortable with the people "on my end" my loved ones, the people I care about and the people I will miss should we part ways.

Anyway, oooooo saaaaaa. I love being in my skin, it's beautiful. The more you talk about me and think about me the better I become.

What's Good Within

There are things that are innate to all of us. You can have anything from musical talent or knowledge of good or evil.

If those congenital qualities are nutured and/or allowed to develop then you've got yourself a star provided they are good qualities.

You expose yourself or your child to all the comforts and all the activities so they will have options and choices. They or you can make an informed decision, have an intelligent conversation. You can decide what you have a passion for and move forward toward your goals.

Hopefully we don't make the mistake of confusing ourselves or our child by overloading them with options and choices. We allow things to play out until we are no longer interested if that should happen; or we allow things to play out and we develop a deeper passion or confirmation for what it is we love.

I am a helper. I am concerned about people in general. I know I can't save the world but I can offer suggestions or ideas. I am aware that I may not be able to help everyone and some don't want to be helped they are resistant. I know when to step back and not over step my bounderies.

I also know that helping doesn't always mean lending a hand it means lending an ear or sometime money. I can't help with the money part, but my ears are free for listening..lol I should charge for all the crap I've heard repeatedly thru my life, but that comment most likely is for the resistant.

In an earlier blog I mentioned "intuition" sometime you just see things coming that someone else may not see. Often times I don't say anything because I have been taught to keep quite let "me do me". Later on down the road karma comes into play for the other individual but I understand that we all have to take our own licks and learn our own lessons.

I am a person with a good heart. People with good hearts are naturally intuitive people that go thru their own sense of darkness over the course of their life. It makes them better and stronger depending on how they handle their lessons of life.

They are the humble, observers and it doesn't take much to please them.

These are the people that know and have faith in believing that things won't always be dark. A strong sense of knowing and faith. There is no light at the end of the tunnel there is only what you see yourself being and becoming.

These are my thoughts and they are more random then any other day. Who cares it's my blog.

Mediocrity

My weekend was pleasant in spite of a migraine. I went to visit a friend Friday. We had fun we watched TV, listened to music and played 9 ball in pool.

I won one game out of the two we played so that was good. We couldn't break the tie so we left it at that. Well, the reason we couldn't break the tie is because we were already in four patron shots followed by four Corona beers so another game just wasn't in the shot glass. haha

I woke up with a migraine/hangover. I had some other problems in the mix so that is why it turned into a horrible migraine. I had to get home and take something for it before I passed out from the pain.

I finally left my house to go to a baby shower well past the starting time of the shower but I made it for the celebration all the same. It seems that a lot of people were busy last spring/summer planting babies instead of flowers. lol

The daughter of a close friend of mine is pregnant. Good luck to the family! Anyway, I did want to attend the shower because she is a dear friend of mine and I made sure that I supported the friendship.

I almost let this friendship fade to black but we have stepped on new ground. With some people you can ask yourself "what value are they bringing to my life?" If you can't come up with a good answer that could only mean they are a parasite sucking you dry or just a mediocre friend and who wants either?

It may sound harsh but this is your life and you don't get to do it over again. So why allow others to just hang on for whatever reason? Just because?

Hang out with people that have a life, hang out with people that add to your life.


me·di·o·cre [mee-dee-oh-ker]

–adjective
1. of only ordinary or moderate quality; neither good nor bad; barely adequate.
2. rather poor or inferior.

KNOWING

When you hear that first voice or have that first feeling about something or someone you just know.

Once you have the feeling you then instinctively make a choice or express your options. There are consequences good or bad. What you do with the feeling or thought could change the course of circumstances and/or events.

Always follow your first thought or feeling it is a little more then intuition. Learn from it and let that guide you don't second guess yourself. Try it for a week and see what happens. Trust yourself!

intuition
Pronunciation: "in-t(y)u-'ish-&n
noun

1. instinctive knowing (without the use of rational processes)
2. an impression that something might be the case; "he had an intuition that something had gone wrong"

MUSIC

The way you whisper in my ear
Those soothing words tickle me deep
Allure me into a realm of relaxation,
Anger, release, resentment or healing

Whatever you feel is in the music
The hard beat base pumpin
The softness or ardent tone in the voice

You either have it or you don't
If you have it the voice that is
then you will reach whom can be reached

Music is an art
of which you must understand

Music has a way of getting you out of where you shouldn't be
or into where you feel to be.

It will take you back
or have your ear in awe!

It is what it is!
Does what it does!
But it never fails you.

Go ahead pop one on see what you get and where you go!

mu·sic (myōō'zĭk) Pronunciation Key
n.
The art of arranging sounds in time so as to produce a continuous, unified, and evocative composition, as through melody, harmony, rhythm, and timbre.
Vocal or instrumental sounds possessing a degree of melody, harmony, or rhythm.

A musical composition.
The written or printed score for such a composition.
Such scores considered as a group: We keep our music in a stack near the piano.
A musical accompaniment.
A particular category or kind of music.
An aesthetically pleasing or harmonious sound or combination of sounds: the music of the wind in the pines.

DISTRACTION

I was distracted but I am back on me now.

dis·trac·tion [di-strak-shuhn]

–noun 1. the act of distracting.
2. the state of being distracted.
3. mental distress or derangement: That child will drive me to distraction.
4. that which distracts, divides the attention, or prevents concentration: The distractions of the city interfere with my studies.
5. that which amuses, entertains, or diverts; amusement; entertainment: Fishing is his major distraction.
6. division or disorder caused by dissension; tumult.

RELAX

What is it that relaxes you? Is it a good workout? A good book? Music? A hot bath? A captivating movie?

Monday started out kind of rough for me so I welcome the calm that is settling over my mind. I had to brush my shoulders off and get a grip.

At one time or another I have indulged in either one or all of these activities on any given day to reach that relaxation point. I hide out from almost everyone and I sleep because sleeping rejuvenates and jump starts your mind. It's fuel for the brain just as food is at certain times of the day.

Tonight is one of those nights that I need alone time in my space with self. I crave peace. Lately, I have noticed that my mind is working overtime. I have been having restless sleep or not sleeping at all. I made a promise to myself that I'm done with all that and tonight I am going to RELAX. I'm going to get a nice bottle of wine or something and clean up the clutter in my mind.

I'm getting an early start right now. I enjoy writing. Poetry is more my forte but I do like keeping a journal of my thoughts or whatver I feel. I'm listening to some soothing music while I type..lol.. I am at work but I'm in the zone.

I have three moives I have had for two weeks from Netflix, so catching up is ont he agenda tonight. I'm going to make sure that I meditate and add some flame to my creativity. When I wake up in the morning my thoughts will be fresh and free flowing. I can't wait.

I'm not going to worry, or think about anyone but myself. I will not allow any interruptions via the phone or any other distractions to interfere with my RELAXATION goal.

When the mind is cluttered and everything around you is cluttered or filled with some sort of drama your creativity is stumped or fueled. My creativity and thoughts are usually stumped because I let worry consume me. I'm learning how not let these distractions spoil my creative side of my brain. I am learning to let things I have no control over or let alone change ruin my inner workings.

What I can control is when I have had enough distraction and clutter. Tonight is the night. I'm going to engross myself in me, love me, appreciate me and nuture my mind body and soul. Tonight is relaxation night. So light the flame, turn down the lights, run the bath, on with some soothing music and aaaaaaaaaaaaah ooooooooo saaaaaaa. :)

re·lax (rĭ-lāks') Pronunciation Key
v. re·laxed, re·lax·ing, re·lax·es

v. tr.

To make lax or loose: relax one's grip.
To make less severe or strict: relax a curfew.
To reduce in intensity; slacken: relax one's efforts.
To relieve from tension or strain: The warm bath relaxed me.

THE PEOPLE CLOSEST TO YOU

Why is it the people closest to you tend to hurt you the most? It doesn't matter if it's your mother, father, sister, brother, cousin, husband, boyfriend, girlfriend, sister, child or best friend. I listed them all because six out of the eleven people with these titles have hurt me in some type of way.

Is it because you care that the pain is somehow greater? Is it because we have certain expectations from these people that the pain seems to scrape you to the bones in your body like a rusty nail?

I've endured and overcome a lot. I have to pat myself on the back each day for the things and circumstances I have had to brush off my shoulders over the years. I thank my higher power each and every day for all that he has brought me through and it's because of him that I can't be moved.

I can be pained for a moment but I can't be moved. Pain makes you stronger if you see the lesson and over look what is attempting to move you from where you are trying to move forward. They are best known as distractions, the things that happen when you take a step forward to distract you from success. If you wallow in the pity then you will be moved. While wallowing you miss the lesson and you are distracted from your next steps forward.

The people closest to you the people you love are also the people that can tear down your will because you expect them to protect you, to support you and we expect to be able to turn to them in time of need.

I've always had the innate ability to not expect much from strangers. It's taken me a long time not to have that same ability when it concerns the people closest to me. I keep giving chances when there really shouldn't be any. I am taking away my expectations from those people closest to me as we speak. I've always been independent and somewhat of a loner. I think that works for me, I can't make something work that isn't working and I can't keep letting myself down giving hope and support to people that don't deserve that from me.

I am developing a bitter distaste for the actions of others. Today is just one of the days. I may not feel like this tomorrow but today is just one of those days.


close (klōs) Pronunciation Key
adj. clos·er, clos·est

1. Being near in space or time.
2. Being near in relationship: close relatives.
3. Bound by mutual interests, loyalties, or affections; intimate: close friends.
4. Having little or no space between elements or parts; tight and compact

OBLIGATION

Do you feel obligated to family, friends or work?

If a close family member or close friend needed help with moving or finances would you extend an offer to help?

Would you help out of obligation or would you help without thought of anything else but rather to help the individual? Would you limit or put

Or if we reverse the same instance and you were the one in need, would you consider there are conditions to the help you receive?

I'm just throwing things around, wondering and analyzing over the years how many times somene has hinted or asked for help of me and I asked? Why? I mean you do ask the important questions that are relevant to your time and money.

How much time do you need if it wasn't stated, how much do you want to borrow if it wasn't stated in the initial question and what date am I getting it back? Those are important questions....

Is it ok for you to ask how much can you help me with? Would that prompt an automatic how much do you have and need from me? Remember this is someone that is close to you. Money sometime hurts relationships it causes a divide between people if it isn't handled like business from beginning to end.

I don't mind being asked for help or assistance if you don't mind me giving you an honest answer that is fair to me and in my best interest not yours.

If there are conditions, pre-requisites, requirements they should be stated before the handshake. This is just me and how I roll.

It's also equally funny that because you have known someone for a long period of time they feel that you are obligated to be friends with them because you have history. I can put it like this, if I'm in a bad marriage, we are either going to work it out, notice I said we or we are going to divorce mutually agreed or not.

Either way something will come to a head. Now is it in turn your obligation to make it work because you signed the paper and said I do and confessed undying love forever? That's up to you the individual. You are going to do what's best for you , what your heart tells you to do or what's best for the kids or whatever.

What you might not do is extend hope when there is none. It is your obligation not to mislead anyone into otherwise thinking or holding on to hope.

obligation

noun
1. the social force that binds you to the courses of action demanded by that force; "we must instill a sense of duty in our children"; "every right implies a responsibility; every opportunity, an obligation; every possession, a duty"- John D.Rockefeller Jr [syn: duty]
2. the state of being obligated to do or pay something; "he is under an obligation to finish the job"
3. a personal relation in which one is indebted for a service or favor
4. a written promise to repay a debt

Deception/Hoodwinked/Led astray/Bamboozled

Today I thought about quitting!! I do not like this position at all. the people are cool but the position blows! I sit here all day and feel totally useless. Who the heck wants to sit and do expenses all day? When I am not doing expenses I am surfing the net.

I'm not at all certain if I'm going to make it thru the summer working here. I hate that I have fifteen days and they include sick days. I love the fact that I make more money but I didn't sign up for being a slacky, I would much rather that be my choice then my reality of this job. lol..

I haven't been posting lately. I am not sure why but I have written but have kept the posts in draft mode. Why? don't know. I could be starting my novel, but I'm not sure what I want to write. I have 8 hours and five days a week to think about it, but because my mind is on veg mode all day I'm not kept on my toes too many minor distractions.

Maybe I'm just in a mood this week....

Sunshine and Happiness

It's a great day. It may be cold and gloomy out to some but I see sunshine and blue skies! I had a great weekend!

What did I do you ask that made it so great? I have to admit that I didn't do anything special. I like to rest and rest I is what I did. I moved to the drum of my own beat this weekend. I ran my errands of course but I returned to the house early as though I never left. I lay around and watched DVDs all weekend. I don't go to the movies often so catching up on movies is a weekend past time of mine.

Winter is when lionesses like myself hibernate with our young. *smile* I even attempted to write on this blog once or twice, but I failed at that miserably. The text is still in draft. I was going to honor the Rev Dr MLK because it was the appropriate thing to do and I always acknowledge it with something enlightening. Then, I decided to get a snack and never returned to the computer. So much for enlightening MLK messages. I guess sitting in front of a computer on the weekend didn't appeal to me. I'll try again next weekend.

I had my mani and pedi done. The woman did a nice job but the polish ended up getting a smudge on one toe anyway. Don't you hate that? aaargh....I should have asked her to do the whole thing over but whatever, I'm the only one that will see them until summertime. My friend told me I might have a foot fetish because I hate feet so much. Eeew I doubt it.

I had my "three-month probationary review" today. It's just a one-sheet piece of paper that is ticked off by your one-up manager. What else could he say besides "she's the greatest"? He doesn't sit near me at all and he doesn't ask me to do anything for him. At best he may ask me to book travel and minor expenses, but nothing major. Remember I work for three execs and two analysts. Well one analyst now one dude just walked out one day and never returned. He did send an email a day later saying "this position wasn't a good fit for him". I knew he was up to something things were different on his desk and he was a bit different. I think this other Analyst is going to leave as well. A matter of time, he is probably in the middle of his interview process. *smile* I'll keep you posted.

I was supposed to go have a night on the town this weekend also, but that didn't happen either night. Oh wait, I did go out on Friday. I have to remind myself not to go out with that friend again. Why? I think I've graduated from that level of crazy, and so it's time to move forward. We went for drinks the drinks were average. I felt like I should have stayed home. I should have followed my first thought and that was to decline the invitation. Silly me. I could have had a better drink at home and listened to some good music while dancing in the mirror. hahaha Oh please I can let my hair down and be as goofy with the rest of em!

Sunday was great because I woke up with words at the tip of my tongue. I wrote more then I had in a long while. I was flowing so much I think my thoughts began to overlap. The phone was a minor distraction for a moment but I knew I had to press the pen to the paper and get my own thoughts out before my flow was interrupted in a major way. Needless to say I after awhile I couldn’t flow any longer, but it was cool. I meditated and took a nice refreshing nap. Everyday, when I arrive home I’ve been able to write like I use to in the past. Well, actually my flow is a little better then in the past. I’m in a wonderful place right now and I plan on staying for a minute to fan myself, pat my back a little and marinate in the good stuff. I’ll move on to an even grandeur place soon so “watch out now”! smile

I just heard from my friend overseas. I was a little concerned about her because she is a flight attendant and there was a crash on a competitor airline. I knew she was safe but there was something tugging at me prompting me to connect with her sooner then later. I emailed her and of course there is a bit of drama going on with her job. I hope everything works out for her because what happened sounds really childish. It just shows that people are people and drama is everywhere even across the seas. She has to go to the corporate offices so I’ll tell you the details and the outcome when everything is over.

The search is still on for a new place to call home. I think I might have to enlist the help of a broker or realtor. So many scams out there you have to be careful!

This is a three-day work week for me. I am off on Thursday, is there any more joy then to be off when everyone else is at work? NO!

I don't have my dictionary word today. I wasn't sure what I wanted to highlight in this blog. What emotion, what feeling. I guess it's the obvious....


hap·pi·ness
noun

1. state of well-being characterized by emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy
2. emotions experienced when in a state of well-being

FREESTYLE FRIDAY

I am happy it's Friday! It wouldn’t bother me one bit if three days out of our seven-day week were Friday followed by Saturday.

I don't have any special plans going on then again I hardly ever do. I wing it most times. I don't pleasure running around from here to there all the time.

I wake up and get my day started early even on the weekend. I'm up and out running errands on Saturday and back in the house most times by 11am unless I have to spread my errands out thru the course of the day. My daughter and I like to chill out from the hustle and bustle of city life sometime. We prefer the slower country pace in the city setting.

I'm up early by force of habit. I use to run and bike ride. I had this whole exercise thing going on until three years ago. What happened? Nothing. I just stopped.

Have you ever noticed how much happier or less aged city people look once they move south or to some city that is much slower pace then NYC? A lot more alcoholism probably but hey you can’t have everything. Lol..

Anyway, most times we as New Yorkers are always in some sort of rush. We rush to get our errands done, we rush to go to work during rush hours, we rush to eat lunch in the one hour allotted time; someone in the car behind us in a rush to get in front of you and just about everything else we do in our daily lives is rushed. We essentially end up rushing to grow old.

So my daughter and I live life on weekends as if we were at a resort for the weekend. We like to just hang out around the apartment and then for some reason in the early evening we are ready to do something, anything and that is what we do. We operate at our own pace, I cruise down the street doing the speed limit when I drive, a friend of mine says I sashay when I walk (unintentional of course I think I am walking fast :))

I slowed down because I enjoy life and as I get older I find no need to hurry up and get it done. I enjoy life with my daughter and I don't want things to rush past me in a blur. I wake up and leave my house during the work week in enough time to go shopping and have a sit down breakfast before I arrive to work if I wanted to do those things. Well I do shop in the am sometime.. heehee

I notice the small things around me because I am paying attention. I appreciate the little things because I take time to appreciate them. Sometime I'm a goalie sometime I'm a winger. I like to plan certain things those are my goalie tendencies however, there are instances I like to leave things adjustable and adaptable and that's where the winger part of me comes out. Are they good traits? These traits work for me right now I'm a recovering planner. I am more adaptable and plan more effectively. My plans are subjective so when necessary I will plan.

This weekend I’m planning on staying out of trouble. Maybe I will share next week if things went according to plan. The operative word being maybe... but did you just notice that I did plan? When necessary plan!

re·lax
–verb (used with object)
1.to make less tense, rigid, or firm; make lax
2.to become less tense, rigid, or firm.
3.to become less strict or severe; grow milder.
4.to reduce or stop work, effort, application, etc., esp. for the sake of rest or recreation

WHAT STIMULATES YOU?

Recently, I've been in overdrive as far as stimuli go. There are thoughts roaming around in my head, visions and flashbacks that are scandalous yet oddly sweet.

I think I operate on certain stimuli most times. I'm more on top of my every day goings on when I am being appropriately stimulated. I am not necessarily speaking about anything physical or sexual but overall stimuli.

I enjoy mental foreplay. I admire someone that has a range of conversation. What I'm up to or what you are up to is good conversation for about five minutes, unless you have done some traveling or something fun. I’m not saying that type of conversation isn’t interesting; I’m saying variety is good as well.

While being updated on current affairs of my life might be interesting to some. I live it and well I am not that exciting for daily updates. I like to tell my story from the end when I'm done if at all. My process is exactly that my process and I'm comfortable going thru and over it on a solo level most times. Maybe that is a martyr-like attitude to have but I also have my go to and I don't think any person can top him.

There are a lot more interesting people, places and things in the world going on. There are things that I am passionate about, such as current events, the current Presidential election and books that you or I may have currently read that stir conversation. I read a lot of books and magazines that are fun, informative and educational. I would like to think that I am a plethora of useless information sometime, some where down the line of my life I have used that trivial knowledge as a base or reference in conversation.

I'm a people watcher not to be mistaken for a person that judges another. I am by nature an individual that has an interest in the study of the mind. I have studied phsychology since I was eight years old. The why of things not really what because once you figure out the why then what for me is a no brainier at this point of my thinking.

I've been told I am "mysterious". I don't see the mystery, I'm just me. I'm an open book if or when I begin to trust you. Which means if I trust you I feel comfortable telling you my stuff, my why and my what. Which in affect of it all I am then effectively stimulated by comfort and trust.

I have a close friend that I love dearly. She is closer to me then any one I know. As a friend she has allowed me to feel safe and comfortable without judgment. She is my go to person of the flesh. We balance one another in our friendship; I can rely on her honesty with no chaser and without being offended and in turn I hope I have the same effect on her as a friend.

I can depend on her with my dumb stuff. Dumb stuff is the stuff you think but would never say out loud because someone else may "think" and "analyze" what you said or didn't say when there really is nothing. Which is the reason I say "without judgment".

How we got to this level of friendship I have no idea I feel like it was natural of us to mesh like one individual instead of two separate whatever it was that got us here we yoke nicely. I feel like we are sisters with two different sets of parents. *teehee* Real friends are hard to find if you find one at all.

I have another friend that I love and we are in the making of a similar friendship. Our friendship is moving its course differently but I know we'll get to that place of equal trust one day. I'm not pushing it I just know that one day we will have that balance.

These two people stimulate me as people. Both for different reasons and in different ways at times but I think that separately we have the same zest and passion about certain things in life.

Anyway enough about what’s sweet about them this is about me. We know that I am currently not stimulated at work (if you read the previous blog you would know). Well the scandalous stuff are secrets that have been thrown in the closet with the rest of the skeletons buried deep in the recesses of my mind to be taken over one day by dementia…lol.

When I’ve decided to age I’ll one day throw out random words and sentences that will turn red the face of any person nearest to me. “Grammy has been watching those dirty movies again”, I can hear it now somewhere in the distance from my grandkids. The truth is unbeknownst to them it will have been “real talk”.

I have a passion for music as well, not the artist. The beat behind the lyrics is my love for music, which is why I have an acquired taste for instrumental jazz and a love for R&B and hip-hop. When I hear a good beat I get lost in the vibration. I only tune into the words if I feel the beat has captured me and catapulted me into a zone of worthiness. But, gospel music is for my soul, my healing and cleansing of unwanted stimuli and hyperactive emotions and thoughts. Gospel music to me is what brillo pad is to a soiled or burned pot. Scrape off the surface and get it shiny again until next time.

You shouldn't listen to sad love songs, or rap music about guns and body parts all the time. It’s fun when I’m on the road driving or sometime we have our cleaning music on Saturday mornings. But when all that is over what is left in your mind will come up and out. Why? Stimulation and mediation… I mentioned yesterday about the mind meditating on certain things.

It may be good music but if you are knee deep in sad music eventually you too will become sad, lonely or both! Sad music is fine if used as healing music but you have to move on from it until you are able to appreciate the sadness and quality of the words for just another good song.

This is the reason that jazz may be effective when you are sad, there are sad beats in instrumental jazz. With jazz you create your own words and emotions but jazz won’t keep you sad. Instrumental jazz pushes you forward with an upward beat to take you out of the tailspin created in your mind.

In my humble opinion you definitely can and will not go wrong with gospel music there is nothing more uplifting then listening to music about your higher power. No matter what the words in the song you know they are about something and someone of good. You can't help but feel good in the end of listening to gospel. It can be succesfully used as a subliminal message of the things are around you that are wonderful.

Why are stimuli on my mind today? I was stimulated today by a conversation or mental foreplay. There is power in and behind your thoughts. Thoughts are very stimulating so I remind you to proceed with caution.


stim·u·late
noun
1. the act of arousing an organism to action
2. any stimulating information or event; acts to arouse action
3. (physiology) the effect of a stimulus (on nerves or organs etc.)
4. mutual sexual fondling prior to sexual intercourse [syn: foreplay]

Affect vs. Effect

Today I woke up refreshed, revitalized and rested. It is amazing what a good night's sleep and rest does for the mind and body. I am not what you call a well-rested person, I wake up in the middle of the night several times just to look at the clock and realize I had only been asleep for an hour past the last time I checked the clock. Why? I have no concrete reason as to why but I have my guesses.

I grab on to sleep when I can, I've noticed that I am taking naps. I like to call them power naps. I wake up emotionally cleansed. I don't believe I had taken a nap since I was an infant. I do know that it feels good to feel rested. There is a difference between sleep and rest and I think I am finally getting the hang of doing both at night at the same time.

Anyway, in my last blog I was discussing my job and today is my official "probationary period over day". I don't feel any different; there were no horns or confetti. However, one of my bosses who is in a high level position received a call today from his girlfriend. I've done personal things for my boss that have involved purchases or the planning of an event for his girlfriend.
However,the time I have been here this is the first I've answered a call from her so essentially this is the first I've heard her voice.

So I answer the phone and let her know that he is in a meeting. I'll call her Maya; Maya asks if this is Champagne (not my real name) I respond, yes it is Maya. She proceeds to thank me for taking care of "my boss" during the day and he speaks very highly of me, he said, "I am the most professional person he has ever had as an Assistant and I have a great attitude". "She looks forward to and can't wait to meet me in person." She said more but I won't break my arm patting myself on the back. *smile*

I told her I appreciated her letting me know that. She mentioned how he appreciates me and he speaks of me often. I thanked her again. I was mildly embarrassed because I don't take compliments well; but those are my issues. I took the compliments and kind words and added them to how great I have been feeling lately.

I feel a breakthrough coming on and that my life is about to accelerate upward. When you feel good you look good. I feel great and when you feel great you attract different types of people. I don't mean that in a physical way however true that is as well. I mean it's the "Law of Attraction" what you feel and meditate on in your mind will exude outward even if you try to conceal it.

It will show in the type of people you meet, in the everyday things that happen in your life. It will show in the people that want to be in your presence as well.It's that small faith or hope that things will get better which if goes un-concealed around the right person it will take over and you will have attracted a small piece of happy; which eventually leads to a larger piece and so forth. Most successes have been built on failure, it's the persistant struggle AGAINST discouragement. One fails forward to success with persistance.

It doesn't matter what is going on in your life. If you worry on it too much and over plan for the future you can't get the answers that you need for the right now.

I don't want to leave behind a legacy of "oh she had so many plans" I want people to remember what I had done in the now, what I am doing. (Note to self: take a damn vacation) Think about it this way, have you ever been to a funeral and the funeral director asks if "anyone has anything to say" but no one steps up. Then there is that one person that is bold enough to get up because he was the person in the room that was more embarrassed then any of the rest to take a step on faith and say something nice about the deceased. He gets up and pulls whatever memory out of a hat usually nothing too spectacular. Why is that? Is it because the deceased didn't have a real impact on anyone?

There is nothing wrong with being average as long as YOU are happy! IF that is the only thing that someone can say about you then that is fine as well. "She was happy, I never saw her without a smile" that statement right there would prompt more then a few melancholy chuckles of "that's true".

The other perspective is the one who has a line of people waiting to say something about the deceased. The loss is greater then the reality that they are not of the flesh anymore. While living that person had an affect on those around them and those whom they came in contact. The effect of the loss is so great that people want it to be known how touched they were.

The appreciators of your presence will be forever present in the mind and hearts of those you knew. Your footprints on someone elses heart I guess.

We can have all the material things in life and still not be happy, we can have nothing at all and people will look in wonder and amazement and question what it is that person has going on to be happy about?

I'm not saying worry about what people are thinking; who cares?! I'm saying, pray, live and love from within and it will exude outward. You never know who is watching or what people are thinking.

We all love compliments it's human. No matter what your circumstances we all have stuff going on sometime. But if you can make one impression make it a good one and in return it will come back to you; maybe in the form of a compliment.

Remember, there is always someone doing worse then you, feeling worse then you, so just when you think you have problems look around you. You never know what anyone is thinking or feeling for that fact. But the affect of your mood has an impact effective to others around you be it stranger or someone you are familiar.

af·fect
–verb (used with object)
1. to act on; produce an effect or change in
2. to impress the mind or move the feelings of

ef·fect
–noun
1. power to produce results; efficacy; force; validity; influence
2. meaning or sense; purpose or intention
3. a mental or emotional impression produced

The Tale of More Money More Work

I began my first blog in August 2007. I believe that was the last time I blogged as well. I'm off to a new start and I'm going to give this blogging thing another try for 2008.

I enjoy reading other writers' blogs. I find reading blogs to be very interesting and I also find myself thinking, hey I thought of that why didn't I also write about it? I have so much time on my hands now with my new job and all.

I interviewed and was hired by this company three months to the day tomorrow. This has been a long three months. I know you are probably thinking I was busy learning new things and becoming familiar with the organization, however this is not the case.

I can honestly say I make decent money but of course we always want and feel we deserve more money. I am a frustrated Executive Admin Assistant. I am not frustrated because I am an Admin, I am frustrated because I have no work. A normal day here at the office is to come in eat breakfast, check my work email (because we can't check outside email) and sit and stare at the computer for the rest of the day.

I'm almost certain you are thinking "why don't you ask for work"? Well, if I do that then there is a big possibility I will upset more then a few other Admin's. I ask for things to do from the "team" I support, however, I don't want busy work.

I want to be productive. I have talent and skill that are not being utilized, which is something that was important enough for me to mention during the interview before accepting the position. I guess it wasn't equally as important for him to mention that my skills and talent wouldn't pertain to this job anymore then they did at my last position with another company.

I would love to feel like I've accomplished something at the end of my day. It wouldn't be necessary to be busy all of the time, but four days max out of a five day work week would be good. It's funny one of the guys I support told me that this position was between me and another candidate.

I believe the other candidate at the time was the one that was going to be hired until she became a stalker. She began calling them everyday. I thought I was lucky to get this position I think she turned out to be the lucky one.

I spend my day eating, an attempt at healthy of course and checking different websites to find a new place to call home.

I never want to be too comfortable with a salary and a paycheck to say I don't desire more money. More money more work. That statement isn't necessarily a true statement. I would however take a chance again on "more money". I'm considering looking for a new position as I type. I'm not a job hopper so it's hard for me to grasp going thru the interview process in such a short period of time.

Do I feel secure in this job? I most certainly do. I was clever enough to do my research before considering taking the offer and I was also savvy enough to ask during the interview process. This company hasn't had any layoffs in over 10yrs. Why? It's an internationally based company with secure financials. I'm not saying that layoff can't happen what I am saying is my chances are better here then with any other company for the moment. I'm still disposable. I'm not comfortable but then again I don't want to be, when you reach a certain comfort level you never desire to do any more then what you are comfortable with. I'm sure that will make sense to some.

I take home more money but I definately don't earn it the way one normally should earn a paycheck. A normal day for me is to eat breakfast, check my work email and if I'm lucky I will get to do expenses for one of the people I support.

A friend of mine says "I never heard of anyone complain about not having any work". I guess to some I shouldn't complain but to those of us that don't mind hard work it would be a problem, at the very least it would be frustrating.

I find it's frustrating to sit in mediocrity. I would like to feel validated at work when I am working. When I am not working I don't need validation my job doesn't validate who I am as a person, it's what I do not who I am.

Another example is when I am at home being a Mom, I know I'm a mom and I know I'm doing my own best job thru faith and love, I feel validated because my daughter is getting good grades, she is a good 'tween thus far..lol.. she is respectful and smart. That feels good, I feel validated.

When I put myself to task I have my own expectations of excellence and I don't worry about what other people think. I'm hard enough on myself, so who cares what anyone else thinks about me.

I am willing to take other suggestions, but right now in my spare time here I will improve my writing skills by writing every day for at least an hour. Writing is important to me. Words are important to me. They have affect and effect on others.

I actually have one hour to write here and one hour to work my other writing. I can commit to two hours because I have that much time. I am also considering brushing up on my Spanish, that might be a little difficult to do here. I think I should at least attain a good understanding for the English language first. We shall see.

Until next time......

mind (mnd)n.
1. The human consciousness that originates in the brain and is manifested especially in thought, perception, emotion, will, memory, and imagination.
2. The principle of intelligence; the spirit of consciousness regarded as an aspect of reality.
3. The faculty of thinking, reasoning, and applying knowledge: Follow your mind, not your heart.
4. A person of great mental ability