I'm learning to embrace my truth....

This is a weird exsistence for me and one I have never embraced. As I age I become more gifted. Some people don't believe in this stuff but at the same time how do you explain it away? Sometime I see things I don't want to see, I see people doing things I don't want to know. Is it me willing something to happen? Coincidence? I ask questions and view things from a different perspective then most. My friend calls it negative-positive. I have learned to phrase things and ask questions a certain way. I always felt people misunderstood me in some sort of way. They would take what Is aid as an insult or that I'm being a know it all. So I've learned that when I have a vision for someone I care about I might ask a question to invoke a different thought process from that person. I do this so they that they can answer their own question or see things as I see them but in thru their own eyes. I can honestly say most times over the years I've ignored every vision for myself and for some people that I know... but mostly for my self. I kept running or I put myself in a fog so I can sleep at night and so I can rest my mind. When I rest it becomes much more intense...

these are my thoughts and this isn't about my writing it's about what I am thinking at the moment....

I will miss you......

I am really sad summer is almost over. I absolutely love summer and all that comes along with it be it the hot sticky weather, the smell after the rainfall, outdoor seating at restaurants, people watching, beaches, bbq's, afterwork drinks, green trees and the smell of fresh cut grass, driving with the sunroof open. There are so many joys of summer I could go on and on. People seem so much nicer and more pleasant during the warmer months as opposed to chilly colder weather.

I've had fun in July which is the best part of summer for me. August just blows for some reason it passes so quickly and it's a reminder that fall is near that the new school year is quickly approaching, that the trains will be crowded and people will become winter grouches with layers and layers of winter clothing. Prepared and ready for the snow, sleet and cold rain.

I must admit while I am whining a bit I am looking forward to change as each years passes

He will provide.....

I haven't been writing as much as I would like to lately. I haven't had anything to say really. I have basically tried to become insignificant while I press forward toward my goals.

The best thing that has happened lately is my daughter graduating and moving forward to high school. I'm not suprised by her graduting she is a bright intelligent young lady. My family and I are proud of her of course and she's proud of herself which is more important to me then anything. I always tell her if you are going to do something let it be something you will be proud of no matter what you first everyone else second. Her morals and values have been set she is going to go out to high school and become a leader or follower. I can't control which road she takes all I can do is suggest and be forthcoming about any situations she may encounter. This is the time in her life where she will have to learn to think, analyze and make her own choices. It's her time to grow up mentally. It's time for her to learn to be responsible across the board for all of her actions or lack there of. I'm positive she will do fine with a few bumps. I look forward to the challenge god will provide anything I or she will need!

Who Are You To Judge Me?

Why do people ask the question"what are you up to?" "What do you do for a living?" The next thing in their mind is judgement. People immediately size you up based on what you do for a living or what you have in life. It's your life and you can do with it what you please. We all wish for the so called American Dream.

But somehow if you aren't chasing that dream with the rest of them you are judged, put in a lump hole as lazy or average. You aren't a criminal but you living an average life taking care of you family on a daily somehow is deemed as progressive. When I nreality just to have a kid that isn't in any trouble is progression enough. I'm all for people doing what they love, living the dream and going after your passion, but don't question me because I'm not running the cycle with you. We all don't have to be busy doing this and that to be happy. I love coming home and relaxing in my apartment with my daughter. I love conversing with her and being home making sure she is alright. Does me caring about my daughter make me lazy because I'm not involved in in what you "think" I should be doing?

Beccause I don't tell every facet of my life I let people make their own assumptions. I could care less because I don't need validation from anyone. I don't like answering questions nor do I like updating anyone on my interests. All lovely for conversation but unless you are a best friend then you don't need to know... That's me and how I feel...call it what you want but I don't need to pat myself on the back for my accomplishments for anyone. I shine everytime I see my daughter and every time she accomplishs something. I know that I am behind that greatness. Why can't I be as proud as the next person.

Motherhood is so greatly unappreciated and underrated....

FOOLISHNESS.. isn't omitting info a form of lying?

This has to be classic, and I'm sure I am not the only woman to have experienced this type of "inconsideration". I ran into someone I met awhile back. He is the cousin of a friend. He asked me for my number and suggested I call him. I didn't call of course, but he called me months later and we chatted up small talk for a few minutes.

He had asked me out for drinks a few times and I had no time, as a matter of fact I was with the other idiot at the time. I don't understand what cycle of foolishness I was being tested against but I'm glad it's over. It's over because I say it's over point blank.

Anyway, getting back to the latest foolishness one day he called me and I had nothing to do so I agreed to meet for drinks. We had small talk and I felt a small attraction however, I felt something wasn't right, that something was amiss. I decided to go with my gut on this one as not to make the another relationship mistake in less then one months time with a guy that is being selfish.

Well selfishness strikes again! This guy is "legally separated but lives with his wife because he lost his job months ago". I mean that's fine if you felt you had no other options and you two own a house together. I met up with him about a month ago and this is one month later and I am just finding out this new information because according to him " he was waiting for the right moment". Which moment was that, after I got emotionally inolved or after we had sex? Thank goodness I wasn't intimate with him, because he seems to think he didn't lie. I mean isn't omitting information at the right time also lying? If it wasn't lying it certainly was selfish and inconsiderate. He has no chance with me what so ever and there is nothing he can say to change my mind.

We had several conversations about various things including my failed marriage and the reasons. These conversations happened in the beginning, when I asked him if he was in a relationship and why he has been celibate for a year. Aren't those good opportunities to tell the truth or to fill in the blanks?

I am absolutely sick of the foolishness. I am over and done with men with emotional issues, or any other issues. Whatever relationship cloud that was over my head is removed! lol.. I mean thank goodness I am good at rebounding from any situation. I mean in light of the things I've been thru in my life someone could have gotten hurt. lol... I could have been crazy! I see why black women give black men a hard time because black men are greedy con artists! lol. I know not all but the bad ones make it hard for the good black men. I am a good woman that could have easily been turned into a bad woman but I know I have to take a few licks in order to rise.

I am rising like fresh baked biscuits on a Sunday morning.

this is the last lick for relationships...lol.

Onward!

42 Mile 5-Boro Bike Tour

I registered for the ride during early registration. I always make a small attempt to recruit other riders women mostly but it never works, I get an all out "NO". I have recruited a few brave men in the past and we have braved this so called "tour" of the five boros.

It really is an adventure and it really is for the brave. There were a few steep inclines and and you will feel the burn. You do have to pump yourself up it truly is not for the weak minded. It is for the adventurous and the person that can be their own cheering squad. If you have a group of riders then that is even better because somewhere along the ride even the strong will get weary.

This has to be added to my list of accomplishments having regained my bragging rights. When I drive down certain highways, rode ways and over bridges namely the Verrazano. I can always say I rode a bicycle over this bridge, I can smile to myself and feel the sensation all over again. Will I do this next year? I just may, because the satisfaction I felt yesterday was amazing.

My riding partner and I went and had a nice meal before we went home. Toward the end of the ride all I could think about was food. I don't eat steak yet I kept imaging a steak dinner..lol.. Anyway, we enjoyed and treated ourselves with a nice meal. I got home and took advantage of my time alone as my daughter was visiting a friend.

I took a nice hot bath, meditated and washed my hair. I prayed and gave thanks for all my blessings and I realized how my inner happiness is exuding outward. I took time out for me and blocked out the outside world. While riding not only did my riding partner and I have small short conversations but being alone with my thoughts I did some thinking and reflecting and I realized that no one can take away my thoughts. I am happy, rich, blessed, healed and wealthy. I have a good pure heart and I thank God for all the lessons and accomplishments.

UNDER THE RADAR

I used to be that person most would call to find out about stuff, no matter what, where or who I had the trival and important information. Plethora of useless and useful information.

I stopped wanting to be that person a long time ago. It became draining and it took away from the things I wanted and needed in my life. I focused less on self and more on others issues. I am officially under the radar now. I stopped calling people and of course when you stop calling them eventually they will stop calling you. I became selfish with my time and I no longer spend hours on end listening to someone tell me all about their issues and still do nothing to change.

I should have charged people for me having to listen to them, and for the calls asking if I know someone that.... I should be a millionaire had I put that talent to better use.

However, I have now become insignificant by choice. I don't listen to my voicemail so I don't return phone calls and those that know the deal know how to reach me. I am being quiet. I am making moves and changes.

To be continued......